Okay this is a repost from Public Mayhem tribe but I think you'll like it....

I have so many stories about what I did to various people who have fucked with me over the years and I guess this is a good forum for it. I'm actually a pretty nice guy but can be a horribly evil and creative bastard when someone screws with me. So let ...me...see.... Hmmmm.

Okay. This one is pretty good. I was living in this warehouse about ten years ago and every warehouse around had some absolutely awful industrial band banging on garbage cans and shopping carts trying to sound like the band "Crash Worship". But who gets complaints about their stereo? Me! This cocksucker next door could stand all this racket but I couldn't listen to my music. So this goes round and round until I finally get an eviction notice.

Well that was stupid on his part because since I was evicted now I could make all the noise in the world 24 / 7 and there was nothing he could do about it. So I'm getting drunk one night stroking my evil beard and had the most brilliant idea! His sleeping loft was on the otherside of the wall of my bathroom. So....I put a microphone up to one of my stereo speakers, attached that to a big public-address amp and ran a line to this gigantic horn (like the ones you see ontop of poles at the county fair) Then I took THAT....and put it in my bathtub facing his loft.

Dum de dum de dum....if I was going to annoy him it should be something good! Aaaah HAAA! An old MUTUAL OF OMAHA'S SOUNDS OF ANIMALS. So It's like three in the moring when all of a sudden.....SCREAMING TRAMPLING ELEPHANTS! That cut was only about three minutes long but me and my girlfriend was just rolling on the floor laughing our guts out. SCREEEEE!! TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE!! SCREEEEE!!......and the speaker is just clanking and buzzing around in the bathtub. We did this on and off until the sun came up. NO SLEEP FOR HIM!

OH there's more?...YES...So in the process of the whole eviction I had to show up in court. My lowlife landlord was this fat Jewish dude who had a reputation for burning down his buildings for insurance money. So I pulled all of my dreads back except two and then put on a yamika so I would look super kosher and when I got to court I sat behind both of them.

First the judge called the landlord who was all discombobulated from my recent conversion to Judaism. He spoke a bit and then it was the neighbor's turn....it went something like this...."Well your honor, he makes so much noise at night it sounds like screaming dying ELEPHANTS! (attempts to mimic the noises)....The Judge just looked at him and rolled his eyes like "Yah right!".....but the greatest part about it was HE WAS TELLING THE JUDGE THE TRUTH! I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

So in the several months it took to evict us, I suddenly get this notice that I owed some huge water bill. I called them and said to start an account with me, but they said pay the whole thing or we'll shut you off which they did. So one night I went out and for about an hour laid on the sidewalk with a hacksaw blade and got the lock off the main. We had water for a few days and dickhead neighbor calls the water people and then there's another lock on. So I went and put a lock on his. What's he going to do? put a lock on mine? There already was. So from my second story window I just drank my beer and laughed at him....

Which brings us to the closing act of the story. So...since I can't flush my toilet I go and get an institution sized five gallon bucket and piss in that out on our balcony. We had to bring-in other water from another neighbor to flush our crap. So this bucket is filling day by day and then I realized that the air-pipe for his toilet is right next to my balcony. I could totally flood his bathroom! So I get some eggs and put them in there to ferment, found some salmon in a local dumpster to add flavor and a few snake-turds from my Burmese Python.

Then I get myself a funnel, ad it's like a scorching hot summer day and this horrid mess has been baking for a week and I pour the whole thing into his vent pipe. I couldn't see it but what I knew would happen was that his toilet-bowl would overfill and everything, the piss, the salmon, the eggs and snake turds would go sklooshing all over his bathroom. I felt like an evil genius as I rubbed my hands together....then he comes home from work....

We could hear all of this angry yelling and screaming and I drowned it out with more elephant noise. Me and my girlfriend were having a fucking ball with this. No REALLY, if you get evicted you should have some fun with it. Well my neighbor snapped. We heard all of this thumping and pounded on the wall back until pieces of sheetrock started flying across the room and he was trying to bust a hole through the wall to strangle me I suppose. Later I heard from a maintenance guy who worked for Klein that because of the slope of his unit, all of this rotting pee had flowed from his bathroom all the way across his ground floor including his kitchen....(yaaay)....

Eventually the hole got big enough you could pass a basketball through it. So I went and got my little baretta .25 and fired two shots into my ceiling in front of him so he drops his hammer and calls both the slumlord and the cops. The cops see the hole in the wall, I was within my rights to fire warniing shots, the cops were in and out of his place as quick as possible, didn't want to write the stupid paperwork about pissfloods and deranged people with hammers and left it to Klein to do what he wanted. I didn't have anything to say other than to tell "hammerman" that if he came through the wall I would shoot him.

We continued the elephant routine for a few more weeks and then we split. But I never had so much fun being evicted.


Swazzie